Hi! I'm Mikee and I'm an overthinker.
Let me discuss my personal struggle ever since the beginning of this pandemic:
"To be productive or to not be productive? That is the question."
For the first week of the pandemic, I was feeling gravely lethargic. I've been working for almost four years nonstop since I graduated from college. I'm only at home two times a week. And during those two days, I get guilty if I don't accomplish something productive.
How do I define "productive"?
I'm productive if I've successfully cleaned my room, finished laundry, helped out with the chores, created something (a blog post or an accomplished photoshoot session), learned a new skill, or worked out for an hour.
That's how I decided I haven't wasted my days off from work. All of that in the span of two short days. I've always felt like time is so quick and fleeting that I can only do one or two of those items on my list.
Now here comes the pandemic. I've been served a month-long subscription (extended to three more weeks as of this writing) of the "DO WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT AT HOME" promo.
Isn't it great?
Nope, it ain't.
The past month had me questioning my sanity, morals, goals.. you know, just some silly things, all that could successfully lead you to panic and anxiety attack and finally downward spiraling as the cherry on top.
"Should I publish a new blog post?"
"Should I finally read this book I bought two years ago?"
"Should I take this online class and earn a new skill?"
"Should I do intense workouts and walk out of this pandemic with a toned beach body?"
But it's a pandemic! Nothing is normal. Routines are wrecked. Society is falling apart!
"So.. should I volunteer?"
"Should I give in to Netflix and binge-watch guiltlessly?"
"Should I just eat whenever I feel like it? I'm stressed! I can't help it."
"Should I just do nothing.. and wait?"
I've been confused for an entire week. Sleeping in did not help. I did work but that only halted my overthinking for a day or two. While trying to control my confusion and own guilt-tripping, I've stumbled upon a quote:
[NON-VERBATIM]
"If you do not come out of this pandemic with a new skill, you did not lack the time. You lack the discipline."
After I've read that, I pulled out my dusty weekly planner and jotted down all the things I MUST, and I repeat, MUST accomplish. Immediately, I felt the "go big or go home" energy in me. For the first few days, I was successful. I got on my feet early in the morning. With my piping hot coffee ready in hand, I just dived in and finish all that is in my planner for that day.
But a heck load of uncertainties came up. Bad news and bad decisions barged in (as expected) for every single day that arrived. My anger and disappointment couldn't be contained. I lost my "productivity energy". I couldn't focus on whatever I was doing at the time anymore. I thought, "That's it. F*ck this. Everything's going downhill. What's the point of being productive?"
I told you, my mentality is in extremes. I only know PRODUCTIVE and NOT PRODUCTIVE. There's no in-between option for me.
Turns out I'm pressuring myself too much. And I hated myself because I couldn't even focus given all the time I have. So I gave up and settled back to my routine during the first week of the quarantine: scroll on my phone all day and do nothing.
I thought I was going to be like that for the rest of the community quarantine. A loser who gave up on productivity. Luckily, one post popped up and it couldn't have been more timely.
[ALSO NON-VERBATIM]
"This pandemic isn't a productivity contest."
Finally, it put some sense into my head. I can't force myself into creating, working, exercising, or come up with a breakthrough invention or something that's life-changing. But one thing is guaranteed. After this pandemic, I'm certain I would be moving on with my "new normal". Paradigms shifted, for better or for worse, while most of us duly stayed at home and had the time to reflect as the frontliners risked their lives to eradicate this virus.
So this is what my mind and body agreed to: do something if you feel like it and stop if it already feels forced. If I have not accomplished all the things I've written down my planner, it's alright. I'll forgive myself. There's more time. And by more I meant an additional three more weeks in this promo we've all involuntarily acquired.
Keep in mind that we are in the middle of a crisis. As most of the older people have said, history is taking place and we are all a part of it. It's necessary to be kind not only to one another but also to ourselves.
The bottom line is: Trust your gut. These mottos are merely suggestions during trying times. They CAN be appropriate and relative to our life, but only for a certain period or phase we are experiencing (in this case, a global pandemic).
Go through the hurdle and you may come up with your own motto.
From there, it's another person's liberty whether to follow after your "nuggets of wisdom" or not.
And that is what makes our free will bittersweet. We're not sure where the belief for that brief moment will take us. But we like the idea of it because it was our own decision.
In fact, this entire blog post is just one, big, lengthy life motto from me. I won't take it against you if you disagree.
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